life lessons, relationships, Self-care

When is it over?

All of us have a story; a story that includes highs, lows, surprises, meltdowns, separation, loss, existential questions, you name it. We grow, we change, sometimes evolve or awaken, and yet sometimes we feel lost and question our path. I think for most of us it is often easy and even an automatic response to attempt to forget parts of our past, so that in our minds, we don’t let it affect the present. Nevertheless, how do you know a chapter in your life has reached its end? When is it over for you? What do you do to let go once it actually is over?

I’m a fan of @redtabletalk. I was watching Jada Pinkett Smith talk about an episode where she invited Will Smith’s first wife to the table. She commented how as a young woman she didn’t understand that even though Will Smith’s first marriage was “over,” it was really “not over.” She explained it took her time to understand that even though a couple divorced, the chapters that followed that divorce still binded them together.

After separating from my previous partner, grief followed excitement. It was years of a life together. Years of sharing so much that two years later I still find myself clearing emotions held up in my body, mind and heart from those and even previous years of my life. Yes, our romantic relationship ended, but I am still recognizing lessons from our relationship and from my involvement in it. Although our romantic relationship is “over” the teachings that came from it are not. It is Now that I have a clearer vision about myself, my “endings” and my baggage. I am now able to validate others who came into my life to teach me about me. I am now able to appreciate those who are part of my so called past. It is now that I can reflect back from a loving place instead of from an angry/resentful/judgemental place.

Can you relate? Has something similar happened to you? Some people say, “For me once I say it’s over, it’s over, there’s no turning back.” I agree with them and I don’t. I understand and acknowledge that once a decision is made if the person is committed to it 100%, then things/relationships start shifting. I also believe that remnants remain and that we all need to clear/release for some time when a chapter ends. Whether it takes you 10 minutes or one+ year, please release.

It is not a secret that our body stores emotion which can express itself through physical and/or mental health symptoms. As time elapses, if we don’t clear such emotions something will surface. Migraines, body aches, anxiety and depression are examples of occurrences that “show up” due to things ending. In a lesser degree, without clearing our emotional weight we also tend to attract, date, marry or work with the same type of person over and over. Have you ever caught yourself questioning, “Why does this keep happening to me?!”

The challenge lies in the fact that we live in a world that’s so vast and technologically “advanced” that we are no longer being taught how to release. Teenagers get caught up in “If she’s there I won’t go.” Heck, grown women and men get caught up in that too. Why? Why do they…We, let past challenges limit our choices and behaviors. If it “ended,” are you at peace with it? If you are, then it should not matter if the person is there or not or if a situation presents itself again. If you are not at peace, then that’s when your reaction/behavior will differ and offer limiting options.

“Things” and/or relationships are over once we make peace with them; when we take our time to grieve our “losses” while also validating our gains and efforts, that’s when the real shift occurs. The next chapter is then able to begin as we clear or atleast start to clear our debri.

How to clear? Here are some tips.

  1. Increase your awareness by connecting with the feelings evoked by the situation/person. Try journaling, free writing, drawing, talk-therapy or any type of therapy you are drawn to; talk about it to a safe person, write a letter, meditate, sit with yourself and talk to yourself from your heart.
  2. Validate your experience and feelings with kind words and statements such as “I was angry/devastated/resentful/neglected/hurt when ‘this’ happened.” Follow it by, “I recognize that I ________ and now I am conscious of _________.”
  3. Notice what comes up for you. You can observe your thoughts/feelings about the situation/person by sitting in silence, meditating, writing, talking and/or by acknowledging your raw reactions. That creates separation for a better understanding. Try: “I am thinking/feeling _______.” Add: “I am noticing that I am thinking/feeling ________.” Example, “I am feeling fucked up.” Followed by: “I am noticing that I am feeling fucked up.” Once you separate from your feelings, you allow space to recognize that you are so much more than just that feeling.
  4. Explore your options; wants; needs and value system. Ask yourself, “What are my current options regarding this? If there were no limitations, what would I really prefer for myself? What need I am still trying to fulfill?” And finally, “Do these options I came up with match my value system or do I need to update either one – options or value system?”

I now leave you with a poem I wrote as a way to release. May you receive it with an open heart and may it speak to you from a loving place.

You & I

You and I were meant to meet.

You searched and hoped,

That one day you’d find someone like me.

Who would’ve thought it was going to be?

You and I, with our crazy ways to give!

Love was shared,

And love is blind,

Because despite it all,

You and I are still sometimes one.

I say sometimes because life has a funny way to be.

You see, we thought one day we were going to be tied,

But your frequency and mine took a left and a right.

No one is to blame since we are both crazy at times.

It’s just a matter of accepting that our love can always shine,

Even when we are apart.

Whether we love each other near or far,

It’s not the distance that matters, as long as the love is pure and right.

Sometimes souls come together with a plan,

But somewhere along the lines, the humane-ness stands changing the plan.

Truth is, soul to soul, happiness is what we each want,

Whether we are together or whether we are apart.

With love, always,

Yari

spiral

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